juno

mikayla s.m.

I didn’t know if I liked him at first. I’ve been hurt in the past by my own blood brothers, Isaiah was the first boy to break my heart before a boyfriend could.

But Juno hurt me too. He didn’t do it intentionally, he never would have picked to die, but it just happens.

When I first met Juno, he was really nice and very goofy. He was one in a million who had a kind caring heart, but had his little moments, nothing crazy but you could tell when he was upset. Juno brought over his little boy one day, Lucas. He changed my life, I have never meet anyone like him. He had so many different traits but it made up who he was and I love that about him. We grew close to each other, I didn’t care about the age, he will always be my best friend. He changed my life, the way I looked at life, I don’t think I could even explain our relationship or why he’s so important to me. He is my happiness.

Juno wasn’t my real brother, he was my sister’s fiancé. Alexi, my sister was in love with him. Juno was her first boyfriend and I’ve never seen such true love since them.

But what hurt the most was losing Juno.

I remember how the whole 3 weeks felt when he passed, from April 10th to April 22nd. All the way to my birthday. When he passed on April 10th, I could feel everything fall apart, nothing felt real, I didn’t want to believe this cruel reality. I remember my mom on the phone at work and her dropping to floor.

“Juno died?!”

I couldn’t say anything. I was confused and lost. Hearing those two words made my jaw drop. I could feel my tears coming down my face, nonstop. My mom quickly cleaned up her station, she didn’t finish cleaning but we left straight to the hospital, me, my mom and my little sister Ary.

“I want you to stay in the car with Ary, I don’t want you guys coming in because I don’t know what’s coming,” she told me.

I was shaking and sweating. Mainly because I was freaking out, I could feel my heart pounding faster and faster by the minute. Ary and I didn’t say anything to each other, or maybe she did say something and I just don’t remember. I couldn’t say anything I was in shock and I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t think it was real. I kept looking out the window to see if anyone would walk out. Then at least 10 minutes later I saw my mom walking Alexi outside with Alexi’s dad, Alex. Alexi could barely walk on her own, her face was so red and she couldn’t stop crying. Her breathing was different, you could tell by the way she was acting. I didn’t think twice,

“Lets go Ary.”

We got out of the car, and the alarm went off. I didn’t care about the car, I ran towards my sister and everyone else, and she hugged me as tight as she could, I don’t remember them saying anything, just her hugging me, bawling her eyes out, my mom tried to calm her down, I couldn’t stop crying.

“I wanna go back in, I have to see him..”

Alexi kept telling everyone,

“No Alexi you can’t go back in, this can’t be the last memory you have of him.”

“Mom I have to see him, he needs me!” Said Alexi.

They walked back in as me, Ary, and Alex waited outside, I wanted to go and see him, but I know my parents wouldn’t allow me to see Juno like that. My grandma showed up and she hugged me as I cried so hard, I don’t know if Ary understood what was happening.

I remember getting into Alexi's dad's truck and leaving with him and Alexi to their house, my mom meet up with us there, my mom didn’t want them to spend the night there because that’s where he passed. I remember walking into Alexi’s room and it smelled just like Juno, his stuff was everywhere, his clothes, his wallet, his hat, everything. I remember Alexi picking up his necklace he wore all the time,

“He’s supposed to wear this, to keep him safe, he wasn’t wearing it!”

I could feel how she felt, angered, broken down and upset.

I remember her trying to go to the bathroom the whole time, but my mom wouldn’t let her go in, especially by herself. I finally walked in the bathroom with her, his clothes were thrown in the shower,

“They just threw his clothes in the shower like they didn’t care, he’s a human being!”

My sister got so mad but my mom kept trying to calm her down,

“They had to get to him without anything in the way.”

I constantly kept staring at down at the ground, what happened by the toilet, the trashcan was flipped on its side, the carpet was stained red, I couldn’t talk, not even breathe, seeing the bathroom ruined me.

I was alone looking at my brother’s blood.

I went back into Alexi’s room, she was so pale, sitting on the water bed and I asked her,

“Can I have one of his hoodies?..”

She nodded and kept getting her stuff together and I couldn’t be in the house any longer, I waited outside with Ary.

“Mikayla I know what happened, Juno died..”

I just looked down at Ary,

“Yeah he did..”

Tears were running down her face, I felt so bad because I couldn’t help her or say anything to make anything better.

Finally we left and I went with my mom back home, we couldn’t say anything, we didn’t know what to say. I had his sweater on, I got home and crawled into bed and just cried, nonstop. I remember the house was dark, all the lights were turned off, Alex was in the living room, he was traumatized because he was the one who found Juno’s body. Alexi and my mom were in the bathroom talking about everything. I then woke up, still in his sweater, it was time for school, and I couldn’t ditch school because I’ve already missed so many days.

I kept his sweater on, threw on some leggings and went to school.

I remember my mom telling me while she was driving me to school,

“Are you sure you want to go to school?” with her puffy eyes.

“I don’t have a choice..”

I didn’t talk to anyone that day, some of my close friends knew something was wrong but I didn’t say anything to them, I couldn’t.

I remember crying in his sweater all day, my face was constantly red and drowning in tears. I didn’t pay attention in class, I didn’t do a single thing. I remember I had PE my second hour and I had to ‘use the bathroom’. I didn’t want to see anyone, so I was walking around the school, I went to the bathrooms by the 8th grade classrooms, I pushed myself to the wall and sat down and cried, hard.

My social studies teacher found me there crying and she helped me up and took me into the counselor's room, she kept asking me,

“What’s wrong?!”

I looked her straight in the eyes and said,

“My brother died yesterday, I can’t go home, I can’t focus on anything, I’m not supposed to be here like this today.”
She hugged me and made sure I was okay,

“Hunny have you ate at all?”

I shhook my head no, I haven’t eaten since the day before he died, I didn’t want to. She took me to her classroom and fed me some oatmeal, then took me to the counselor's room so I could talk to them because our next class was about to start.

Her name was Kristi Baldino, she cared for me at that school when no one else did, she took care of me when I didn’t want to, I give a big thanks to her. I want her to know how much it meant to me, how she cared for me meant a lot because I wouldn’t have taken care of myself, she was an inspiration to me ever since because she has the most kindest, loving, caring heart. Thank you Mrs. Baldino.

After those days, I struggled more than ever. I remember sitting in my room thinking of it all, why did it end like that, was my sister okay, everything went through my head. I didn’t go to school for 2 days because of his funeral. The first day was the viewing, I wore his sweater and some leggings, hood up with my poster board. I built a collage of him and my sister together, their marriage, his son Lucas, and their lifestyle. I walked into the funeral home doors and I could see the open casket, my heart dropped. I could see part of his face, even though he was still so far away. His funeral songs were playing, and I put up the poster board on a table. It looked beautiful, but I was scared to see him like that and I didn’t know what to expect.

“Are you ready to see him?..” My mom asked.

I didn’t say anything and just nodded, we walked up together to see him, his casket was black with gold lining around it, beautiful. Unspeakable.

His face didn’t look like the Juno I knew.

“That’s not Juno mom, that’s not him!”

I cried, hugging her.

“I know..I know..”

He was wearing the shirts my sister made, with his golf hat, a jacket/suit, his favorite Jordans, and on the side was the Michael Jordans earrings my sister bought him. He had crosses in his hand, I touched his hands, he was ice cold, dry/purple lips, that wasn’t my brother. I cried harder than ever that day, feeling his cold body, I kept telling him how much I love him and how I already miss him so much.

I had to sit down, I couldn’t breathe, I sat down with my older sister, Alyssa. She came up from Florida to see Alexi and to join us for the funeral because my sisters are very close.  I sat in the front row while Alexi and my mom talked to people. I didn’t want to say anything to anyone. I hugged Mono who was Juno’s dad, Shayla who was Juno’s mom, and Marissa who was Juno’s sister. We all felt the same pain but in different ways. I sat there for hours, staring at the ground, thinking of everything, all the memories I had with Juno. Just the night before he died, we went out to eat. He always smiled and hugged everyone, that’s how he greeted everyone, and that’s how he said goodbye. And that day I was upset, I wasn’t even mad at him. I was mad at my sisters dad and  I didn’t give Juno a hug after dinner because I was so upset but I was just being stupid in my head because little did I know, that was the last time I was ever gonna see him. I guilt trip myself every single day about him, I feel selfish.

I would keep going up to see him and hold his hand, I felt empty, broken down, and destroyed. We stayed there for hours, and my mom finally said,

“I think it’s time to go home, Mikayla isn’t doing so well…”

She knew I was hurting so bad and she didn’t know what to say to make me feel better but there wasn’t anything that could make me feel better, I was hurt, bad.

“Mikayla say your goodbyes, we’ll see him tomorrow.”

I went up to his casket alone, holding his hand, crying, laid my head on his chest for the last time, that’s when my body started to shut down.

I lost feeling in my legs and arms, I felt so numb, I didn’t want to leave him, my mom had to pick me up and help me walk outside, I couldn’t breathe, I haven’t eaten in days. As we were getting into the car I saw my cousins, they gave me hugs and I just bawled. Losing feeling again, my body was hurting just as much as I was. We went home and I cried in bed again. Holding onto his sweater, it still smelled like him, his hair was still on his sweater, I didn’t want this pain anymore, I didn’t want to think of this reality.

I woke up, today was his funeral. I wore black tights, black skirt, with my brothers funeral shirts. I could already feel how hard that day was going to be, I went with my older sister Alyssa because my mom had other things to do before the funeral. I remember going to the funeral home, not even walking in yet and I saw Lucas, his face lightened up, smiling,

“Kayla!”

He was so happy to see me, he ran to me and hugged me, I cried.

Mono was shocked, “He hasn’t said anything to anyone, made any physical contact with anyone, until you showed up.”

Mine and Lucas’s bond is unbreakable, I’ve never been closer to someone like I am with him, I love him with all my heart, he is my world, he changed me. He is my happiness.

I then walked, I saw his body in the casket, just as it was yesterday. I cried the minute I walked through those doors. I sat in the second row with my mom, my step dad Jeff, Alyssa and Lucas.

They had Juno’s grandpa talk, we then watched his memorial video, all you could hear was Lucas saying,

“Look that’s my daddy!”

“Oh there’s my daddy again!”

“Awh it’s me and daddy!”

Lucas was too young to understand, I felt horrible for him. Juno and Lucas were closer than anyone, Juno always called Lucas, “BooButt”.

“I’m boobutt Kayla.”

Lucas would always mention who he was and that he was daddy’s boy.

Then more people started talking and finally it was time to say our final goodbyes. They started from the back to line up and say goodbye.

As it was our turn I waited until I was last, I hugged him for the last time, held his stone cold hand.

“I promise to take care of Lucas for you, for him to never get hurt, I’ll be there for him, always.”

I whispered to Juno, giving him a kiss on the cheek and saying goodbye.

After my mom, Alexi and all them said goodbye, they closed his casket and had the pallbearers get him into the car, I cried. I didn’t ever want to imagine this day and worst part, it was all real.

I remember getting into the limousine with Shayla, Marissa, Alex, Mono, Emma, and Stella. As we pulled into the cemetery I started shaking again, my heart was racing while tears came down my face.

We got out and I stood with Lucas, watching the pallbearers take him out. I cried, I stood there and watch them

bury my brother.

Ever since he passed it’s been a hard time, he was there for me when I was upset about some other family members that let me down in my family. He cared for me, he showed me what it was like to have a real brother, and now he’s gone.

He always had a smile on his face, his hugs were one of a kind, even his goofy personality brightened all of us up. He was really one of a kind overall, he made my sister happy, he supported and loved our whole family, I couldn’t ask for anyone else. Everyday I think about him, and it hurts, I’ve never gone through this and I’m still hurting from everything. I get anxiety about it all, I get really low because

I miss him..